Tex Support
New season. New channel. New format. Who dis?
If the first episode of the new MAFS on Peacock is any indication, we definitely leveled up from the misery porn Lifetime has been cranking out the last few years. Then again, fakesperts Peps, Pops, and Pips are still here, so let’s not get our hopes up.
Jalyn & Josh
Mother-in-Lawless
First up are cuties Jalyn and Josh. They both smile a lot and love rainbows and ponies.
Jalyn is 27 and a Realtor/cycle instructor/balloon animal enthusiast. She is sweet, bubbly, and lovely. She owns one pair of shoes, hates camping, and is dating her DoorDash delivery guy. So far so good.
She cites reality TV and rom-coms as her primary relationship references. Um, those are two very different models. Is she expecting a psychotic dumpster fire or a paint-by-number fairy tale? I guess it’s the Barbenheimer school of romance.
Her betrothed is Josh, 31. He owns a successful roofing company and has a haircut that’s been out of style for five years. It’s one of those extreme diagonal parts where you’re bald on one side of your head and coated in latex on the other. No bueno.
Other than his questionable fashion choices, Josh seems like a cutie. He had a rough childhood and was raised by his grandparents because his mother was in prison. He only recently met his dad but now gets spam texts from him every morning. His mom occasionally calls to ask for money, because Josh is filthy rich. Lots of leaky roofs in Austin apparently.
Pickle Bawl
It’s not just the roofs that are leaky in Austin. Josh cries a lot. A LOT. He confesses to being the first one to tear up at weddings (and Golden Girls episodes and figure skating competitions, allegedly), and his own wedding is no different.
When Josh receives the standard pre-wedding gift from his mystery bride, he is so choked up he can’t even open her card. Mustering all his strength, Josh finally reads the brief generic blurb Jalyn wrote him. When he gets to the part where she says she’s looking for a pickle ball partner, Josh starts sobbing.
Yikes. Did someone spike Josh’s champagne with estrogen? The upside of this emotional display is that Josh will probably be happy to watch all the rom-coms with Jalyn that she wants. I bet he’s a big The Summer I Turned Pretty fan.
Parental Rights and Wrongs
Jalyn sheds her own tears when she talks to her dad right before walking down the aisle. Her father Jesse, a former MLB journeyman, adorably compliments her makeup and dress by reminding her of the time in 7th grade when he wouldn’t let her leave the house in too much makeup, and the time he wouldn’t let her go to prom in a too short dress.
Amen. This is called parenting. Don’t get my hopes up, Peacock. I’m all in on Jalyn if this is how she was raised. Good dads matter, so credit to Jesse for doing his job. At least this job. He didn’t have much of a baseball career. He’s no roofer.
After that, it’s time for Jalyn and Josh to meet at the altar. As usual, Josh is on the verge of tears. Do they make diapers for your face? When he finally sees Jalyn, he is ecstatic. They are both happy with what they get and exchange the blandest of vows. It’s almost like Peacock didn’t script their vows for them like some other channel.
One constant that remains from Lifetime is the angry lesbian officiant. God forbid a man ever preside over a wedding. MAFS gonna MAFS.
Other than finding out twins run in both their families, Josh and Jalyn don’t really say much. They both find each other attractive, are comfortable smooching, and are in love with love.
As the reception winds down, Jalyn pulls Josh aside to speak with her mother Belynda who is divorced from superdad Jesse. Belynda then announces she’s getting married tomorrow... to a stranger.
Yup, MAFS is now sMothered. It’s our first mother-daughter matching matches. If the show was still on Lifetime, they likely would have had a double wedding with TWO angry lesbian officiants, so I guess it could be worse.
Why not just have all the couples get married in a mass ceremony Moonie style? Or, they can all marry each other and be sister wives and brother husbands. As long as we’re going full TLC, throw in some questionable green card applications as well.
For someone who just found out his new wife and new mother-in-law are insane, Josh is way too excited. This is when the tears would have been appropriate.
Suddenly, his ex-con possibly drug addict mom is not looking so bad. Better an absent mother than one who crashes your honeymoon and shares a bunk bed with you. Josh just got Kris Jenner for a mother-in-law, so he better be okay with forking over 15% of his check from now on.
Time will tell if Jalyn takes after her awesome dad or her deranged mom. If Jalyn wanted a real-life rom-com, she definitely got one. It’s the Monster-in-Law sequel no one asked for, with Josh as JLo and Jalyn as that hot guy who used to date Jennifer Garner, who was married to Ben Affleck, who was married to JLo. It’s the circle of life, bitches.
Brittany & Will
Say-Pia-Sexual
The second couple we meet is Brittany, 29, and Will, 30. They break new MAFS ground by being the first cast members to ever mention intelligence as a requirement in a spouse. Most applicants ask for someone who likes dogs or going to restaurants, so this is refreshing.
Brittany, a successful HR exec, loves to read and wants to be on Jeopardy. You have my attention, ma’am. She also has 3” press-on nails, so I’m not throwing a parade just yet. My long-standing theory is any woman with fake nails is not wife material nor corporate officer material. Change my mind, Brit.
Will is a tech consultant who’s looking for a witty and smart girl. He breaks Dr. Pia’s heart when he tells her he’s not into butt stuff. She probably vetoed his application right there but got overruled. Pervy Pips automatically disqualifies any MAFS candidate who doesn’t have a sex dungeon and triple-digit body count.
Since Pips can’t go five seconds without saying the word ‘sex’, she diagnoses both Brittany and Will as sapiosexuals. I had never heard that one before. It means someone whose attraction is cerebral, not just physical. Oh, so you’re saying they’re both normal people with an IQ over 50??
Imagine calling yourself a “doctor” but treating basic human functions as if they’re clinical disorders. The only disorder here is your giant cartoon rack, Pippy. You just might be a creepahosexual. Look it up. It’s as real as your boobs.
Brocabulary Test
Since Will isn’t a degenerate – at least not that we know of so far – he uses real words when speaking to his groomsmen before the wedding. For some reason, they are all taken aback by the terms ‘litany’ and ‘verbose’.
I’m a vocabsexual so I’m a fan. Plus, if you’re an adult who thinks those are big words, the proper response is to be embarrassed by your ignorance, not contemptuous of someone’s ability to speak English. Wait until Will pronounces ‘ask’ correctly!
The scene begs the question of why Will is so different from his closest friends and/or family? Where was this fork in the road and is Will a serial killer? Just asking questions.
Over in the bridal suite, we learn more about Brittany. Since her last serious relationship ten years ago, she hasn’t made it past the three-month mark with any guy. Well that’s a red flag. I’m telling you, the nails are right every time. Brittany adds that there are a lot of single women in her family. To be fair, that’s every family these days. We have a singlehood epidemic in this country. It’s why this show exists.
For the rest of the recap go to Patreon and subscribe.
Episode 1 - https://www.patreon.com/posts/141991224
Episode 2 - https://www.patreon.com/posts/142135029
Episode 3 - https://www.patreon.com/posts/142450114
Episode 4 - https://www.patreon.com/posts/142763241